Freestyle Friday, right!? Let’s spice things up with a little boyfriend talk…
We’ve all had bad boyfriends. We’ve all run into the cheaters, the liars, and, let’s face it, the better-than-average-looking idiots. Many of them, as the name ‘boyfriend’ entails, are simply boys.
This isn’t to say that you haven’t found a great guy. Maybe you are next to him right now. Or maybe you are thinking about him as you read this, thinking that this won’t apply to you. If that is the case, congrats!! I believe in soul mates… in love at first sight… I still read teen romances because I am convinced that I will one day have that type of love. However, if you are still out there looking, like I am, take a second to read about the 5 guys you should run from.
“I have no regrets.” Yeah, neither do I. Then again, if I could have escaped one of these disasters, and maybe – just maybe – read a corny blog post that let me laugh and learn without living it, I guess I wouldn’t mind too much.
Just like the famous lottery saying, “hey – you never know.” The sun isn’t hotter than the intensity between you two. It’s like living in the Twilight series. Where you go, he is there to catch you. He makes sure you walk the 10 feet to your house safely. A man makes a pass at you and he is there to defend your honor in less than a moment. He is also waiting in your bushes. When you are asleep, he is probably watching you through your windows. Ever have someone calculate how long it should take you to get somewhere, or have them tell you where you are when you haven’t made a peep? You’re dating a psycho. He probably has a tragic family history. Guess what? They all do. Broken souls are loveable – just like in all the books – but when it hits 5 months in and you feel like you can’t pee without permission? It’s time to break the chain… as long as he doesn’t break the restraining order.
1999 is over. Stop trying to party like its still happening. You know that guy who always has the ‘right’ connections? He will take you to the meet the band after the sold out concert, and somehow he knows a guy that has a house in Miami – right next to Bradley Cooper. He understands life – happiness is all that matters… it doesn’t matter what you do, but how you do it…. you can sleep when you are dead. Wait a second. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you do something, right? My god, how long have we been in this house? Why are you looking at me like I asked you to solve the mysteries of the universe, when all I asked is where’s my dinner? And please, for the love of god, stop stuttering the same phrases over and over. “So, basically… um, basically…” Basically nothing. Hugging trees is all fine and dandy as long as you can afford to not be sleeping under them. Oh, you’re job is to spread peace? Excellent. Who needs money, when you know a guy? You do. Do you really want to live forever? No, but I’d like to make it to 30.
He is HOT. He’s probably leaning against a bar somewhere, giving you those eyes that say… well… you know. The guys with him are most likely looking at him, waiting for their ring leader to make the next move. There is no denying the appeal. The confidence is intoxicating and the looks certainly don’t hurt. The thing is – that sexy stare I mentioned earlier? He gives that to everyone. Ladies, I know – you can change him. If you are the right girl, he will fall for you. Even when he does, he will still be a douche. You will just have an obsessed douche bag on your hands, who still tries to act like a cool player in front of his friends. He will still take too long getting ready, wearing shirts that are probably tighter than yours, and he will still wear sunglasses when it isn’t sunny. If you need the excitement, go watch Jersey Shore.
The Titanic sank and you’d think this guy was a first-hand witness. They love the Notebook. They storm out of a room, while you sit wondering what happened. Wonderful – now you must go play loving girlfriend and comfort him. “What’s wrong baby?” Once in a while, it’s endearing. What a sensitive man… every girl’s dream. Once a month? Sure, I suppose. Once a week? Run. Even the most patient of women will be forced to become an angry strung out crack head. A Hallmark commercial will come on TV and you will be staring at this guy – waiting for a tear, so you can fantasize reaching out and smacking it off his face. Go watch Lifetime. Or if you are feeling less tragic and more heartfelt, try Disney. Just make sure it isn’t too Hannah-Montana-ish, or you’ll wind up suicidal. Miley? Now that’s one kid America can certainly do without.
Ahhh sports. They are exciting! You feel like a part of the team – you dress in their colors, you can quote their stats, you cheer when they score and you boo when they are cheated. Football Sundays! Totally. Oh, and Monday night football, of course! Wait – Thursday’s too? Oh, the replay is on that day? But the baseball game is on this weekend, we can’t discriminate against all the other sports… Hold on, you are in five separate fantasy leagues? Please, replay that catch again, I think I missed something the first 15 times. Christ. Ladies, a guy into sports is great. A guy obsessed with sports is dangerous. If you are a big sports fan, this does not apply to you. If you aren’t, be ready for a long life of cooking dinner for your man alone in the kitchen, ready to run over a beer to him and his buddies. You may be ready to become the Stepford Wife, but I’m certainly not.